Lyndon Duff Gorle, Bereavement Counselor

The holiday season is here.  When we’re experiencing a loss and the accompanying process of grief, special times like holidays can bring unexpected emotional surprises.

Feelings can be triggered when we are at a holiday gathering, at the mall, in a store, planning meals, preparing food, mailing greeting cards, wrapping presents, decorating, attending a holiday program, being at a place of worship, watching a movie, receiving a telephone call or reading an e-mail message.

Difficult or “big” feelings like loneliness, depression, sadness, or anger can hang over us like a dark, suffocating blanket.  Tears can come at the most inopportune times. Don’t be surprised by your emotions.  They can be tough, intense, unpredictable and overwhelming.  This is normal and to be expected.

Things you can do:

• Let emotions come.  Let yourself cry.  Express each emotion in a healthy way.
• Find safe, supportive people with whom to share your journey.
• Accept the fact that the grieving process is going to be hard.
• Respect and take care of your emotions without letting them paralyze you.
• Exercise your belief system.
• Treasure the memories as you begin to move from the past to the present.
• Begin a “new normal”—what new traditions will you start?
• Reinvest in life.  Life brings constant changes as we age and family dynamics fluctuate.

The underlying purpose of our life continues beyond the reality of the loving relationship we have experienced with the one we are losing or have already lost.  The holidays, and life itself will never be exactly the same again, and that is okay.

RECOVERY FROM LOSS

What is meant by “grief recovery?”

Recovery means:

• Feeling better.
• Claiming your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you.
• Finding new meaning for living, without the fear of being hurt again.
• Enjoying fond memories without painful feelings of regret or remorse.
• Being free to feel sad from time to time no matter how those around you react.
• Forgiving others when they say or do things that you know are based in their lack of knowledge about grief.
• Realizing that your ability to talk about the loss you’re experiencing is indeed normal and healthy.

Living well helps to prepare us for dying well.  In both we must courageously embrace reality even when it includes pain, loss, and death.  Death represents the ultimate loss of control.  If we struggle to relinquish control, we will be prone to fear death.  Death is especially distasteful for people who haven’t lived fully.  Dying at any age is premature for people who haven’t surrendered to life.  St. John of the Cross said: “In the evening of life you’ll be judged by love alone.”

HOLIDAY HEALING

During the holiday season, anyone whose loved one has died can experience difficulty.  Mixed-in with the times of family togetherness, thanksgiving, affectionate sharing and joyful exchanging of gifts are feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness.  There is cultural and social pressure to join in the holiday spirit, but all around are sights, sounds, smells and memories of the one is not longer physically present.

Be gentle and tolerant with yourself during this time knowing it is helping your healing to continue.  Your feelings are so powerful because your love for the person has not ended with their death.  In this joyful, yet painful season, we hope the following suggestions will be helpful:

1. Remember your loved one.  A partial victory over death can be won by keeping your loved one alive in your memory.  Share memories with your family and friends.  Treasure your memories.
2. Respect your body, mind and emotions.  Feelings of loss cause fatigue, and a lower energy level.  Reduce your expectations of yourself accordingly.
3. Be with your loved ones.  While you should take special times to be alone, also make certain that you surround yourself with your accepting, caring, comforting, supportive loved ones.
4. Talk openly about your feelings.  Include the name of the person who has died in your holiday conversations.
5. Slow down.  Don’t overextend yourself.  Keeping busy is not a healthy distraction from the grieving process.  Courageously eliminate unnecessary stress.  Focus on what you want to do.
6. Plan ahead.  Structure your holiday time.  Anticipate activities rather than just reacting to whatever happens.  In your planning, leave some room for flexibility and change as you feel appropriate.
7. Exercise your faith.  The holidays can bring a renewed sense of faith, hope, and love.  If your faith is important, you may want to attend a holiday service or special spiritual event.

The death of someone we love creates an opportunity for taking inventory of our life—past, present, and future.  In the grief process we can spend time thinking about the meaning and purpose of our life.  Look and assess your individual situation.  Notice your strengths and the positive people and things in life that surround you.

During this holiday season, accept grief as both necessary for your healing, and a privilege that comes from giving and receiving love.  Love the one you have lost.  Love yourself.  Love those who are present in your life now.  Allow yourself to be surrounded and uplifted by the love that flows to you from genuine hearts who authentically care for you and your well-being.  Cry.  Laugh.  Be angry.

Above all, summon the courage to continue on your path toward complete recovery, remembering that incomplete recovery from loss can have a lifelong negative impact on one’s capacity for happiness.

Note:  If someone we love dies in tragic circumstances we will have volumes of feeling about the unfairness of it all.  After acknowledging that we have been affected by the circumstances of a death, we must move immediately toward two larger truths:

1. The first is a painful question:  Would you miss your loved one any less if he or she had died some other way?  (The answer is always “no”).
2. What is left emotionally unfinished for you as the result of this death?

(Incompleteness is an accumulation of undelivered communications that have emotional value to you).